In the chaotic carnival of life, coffee stands proudly at the center ring, juggling the absurdities of our daily existence while simultaneously keeping our eyelids from staging a protest. I, a humble coffee connoisseur, consume eight espressos a day like they’re candy shots at a festival. I recently invested in an espresso machine so high-tech it might as well come with a user manual thicker than a Tolstoy novel.
Fact: Coffee is a fruit — the beans are actually the pit of a berry that grows on a bush.
I will rule the real estate and become my own barista. (The word “barista” comes from the Italian for “bartender.” The term entered English in 1982. But honestly, “meretrix,” Latin for prostitute, sounds cooler — obviously where “tricks” came from.) (Who really uses brackets (parentheses) enough?)
"Listen, before I had my coffee, I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today, either."
— Anonymous
When the time strikes, I whip up some “No Name” coffee crystals, powdered cream, and four sugar cubes. It’s like a gourmet meal — if gourmet meals were served at 7-Eleven. The ability to appreciate both the finest artisanal brews and the kind of coffee that could strip paint off a Buick is a superpower. I’ve lived in countries where that combination was the gold standard — and I don’t want to lose my edge.
Fact: Beethoven loved coffee! He obsessively counted out exactly 60 beans per cup.
"Who needs therapy when you can sip a double shot and question your life choices at a high rate of speed?"
"Coffee helps me maintain my ‘never killed anyone’ streak."
— Anonymous
Ah, sleep — the great opponent of coffee. That elusive creature’s been dodging me since a Tuesday in 1974, when I was five. I grew up without a television. While other kids watched cartoons, I buried myself in dictionaries and encyclopedias. That's how I came to master words like floccinaucinihilipilification. This is what happens when you deny a child screen time — they grow up to be a walking Scrabble dictionary. Few people appreciate me. Fewer still like me.
"It’s strange how drinking 8 cups of water feels impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down like a chubby kid on a see-saw."
— Anonymous
Fact: Finland drinks the most coffee per capita — about 1,680 cups per person per year.
Then came the day we got a TV — just in time to witness the Canucks getting obliterated in the 1986 Stanley Cup playoffs. My brother and I were allotted a soul-crushing 30 minutes of screen time daily across two fuzzy channels. At the time, I thought it was child abuse. Now I realize my parents were just preparing me for adulthood: a long, slow drip of disappointment and bitter black coffee.
Fact: 90% of the world’s coffee comes from developing countries. Yet coffee pickers are often paid by the kilo — many struggle to make a living wage.
I’ve never owned a TV. Sure, I enjoy a Netflix binge at friends’ places, but mostly as a social mirage. Honestly, I don’t even like TV — and yet, somehow, I’ve been sucked into screenwriter rabbit holes more than once.
While teaching English in China, my students would watch Prison Break during their three-hour lunch breaks. I tried warning them it was garbage. Then someone handed me a USB stick with the whole series. I dared myself to watch the pilot… and emerged weeks later, gasping for air. Cliffhangers are now a staple, even if they’re never resolved — like modern life, but with theme music.
"A bad day with coffee is better than a good day without it."
— Anonymous
"Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self."
— Terry Pratchett
Fact: Coffee was once banned. In the 18th century, some governments feared it incited radical thinking.
Coffee is the ultimate writing companion. Forget notebooks and pens — a good cup of joe is the real MVP. I’ve brewed my signature concoction, "Sh*t," in under a minute, though some mornings that feels like an eternity.
"Hurry up, coffee! I have existential dread to tackle!"
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. But if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
— Abraham Lincoln
Here’s a secret: while living abroad, I became so comfortable with microwaves that I’d set it to 99:99 just to buy myself time. It became my personal countdown clock. I think it ran out twice — maybe three times. That’s 101 hours and 39 minutes of pure don't wanna deal with it right now.
"May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short."
— Anonymous
Now, coffee outside the home? That’s like playing Russian Roulette. Most gas stations serve coffee that tastes like the gun jammed. I remember sitting in a Starbucks staring at the wallpaper thinking,
“Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.”
Spoiler: I left. I doubt Oscar Wilde would’ve tolerated a caramel macchiato either.
"Coffee owns me, and I’m fine with that."
— Anonymous
As I sip my brew, I remember the plight of Yemen — a country worth far more attention than it gets. I dare humanity to Google “Yemen” until it trends.
"By facilitating a peace agreement and leading the reinvestment and reconstruction in Yemen, Saudi Arabia can turn around a failed state and bolster its standing as a global and regional leader."
— Jamal Khashoggi
A coffee lover’s experience is always a gamble. But there’s one safe bet: the Tim Hortons Double-Double. It's like the coffee version of a warm hug — comforting, reliable, and proudly Canadian. Hands down, across all countries and continents, I’ve never had a coffee more consistently satisfying.
"Sometimes I go hours without drinking coffee… it’s called sleeping."
— Anonymous
Fact: Coffee wasn't always for drinking. In its earliest use, it was consumed as food.
I’ve always been an observer. I enjoy my coffee alone, my cigarette burning, my mind racing. I predicted the 2008 crash. The murder hornets. That China would build islands and pave toward Taiwan. You could say I’m a coffee-fueled oracle.
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
— Steven Wright
In Europe, coffee is sacred. It’s brought out ceremonially, like a Yule Log. Meanwhile, “chai” has been rebranded globally, despite literally meaning “tea.” So now we pay extra for redundant words in a paper cup.
"Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s caffeine."
— Anonymous
And with that, I conclude my double espresso exercise, marveling at how I’ve managed to ramble about coffee and non sequiturs for a perfectly chaotic 1,666 words.